Hard Lessons

The past couple of weeks have been really heavy for me.

I have been wrestling with some things that are going on in my life, and have discovered some things rooted deep within that are not necessarily true, and are definitely negative.

I took a personality profile my friend over at GrOwThSpUrTs had linked to her post and God used a specific question on there to get my brain turning.

You think conflict is:
A. Hard for you to deal with
B. A normal part of relationships

My choice was A.

I did not even have to negotiate that one in my brain. So I decided to find out why I feel that way.

Until this week, I would have said it came from being an only child until I was almost 16 years old. I mean, who are you going to fight with if there is no one around?!

But as I explored deeper, I realized conflict is hard for me because I have never seen real conflicts, the ones that really matter, resolved successfully.

When my parents were in conflict, it meant the end of life as I knew it. Divorce was the solution to their problems, and to a large degree, the beginning of mine as it pertains to relationships.

So I thought about my grandparents. I have one set who were completely devoted to one another, and there were serious health issues, and the life they lived together was one taking care of another. To my knowledge, there was not much conflict. ( I am speaking past tense because my precious grandmother went to be with the Lord last May.)

The other set of grandparents cannot stand one another, and people wonder why they are married. Their conflict started when my mother was a little girl, and has raged to this day, resulting in anger, bitterness, resentment, and depression.

I thought about my teenage years. I always wondered why my friendships ended after an argument, or why I could not be friends when a boyfriend and I broke up. Now I realize it was because I assumed it had to be the end. I did not know how to move past it.

Now, in 13 years (August 5!) of marriage, D and I have had some arguments, sure. But overall, they have been few, far between, and pretty insignificant. God made us very compatable. And we are not scrappers by nature, I guess!

But now the time has come, and God has allowed the pressure to be applied, and it must be time for me to learn.

As I thought about the circumstances surrounding me at this point in my life, my marriage, my parenting, I realized how much my view of conflict colors the way I handle situations and bleeds into other areas of my beliefs.

Because I have not seen conflict handled well, I have believed all of my adult life that people cannot, will not, do not really change. Oh sure, maybe for a week or a month. But long lasting change, the kind that is necessary from time to time in our life when we realize our actions are hurting others, ourselves, or our walk with God, deep down I have accepted, believed as truth that people are not capable of doing that.

Only I did not realize I thought that until God showed me where my view of conflict came from. And He has brought all of this to my attention in the last week to ten days, in the midst of some serious, life changing, personal conflicts. Which, of course, is how God works. On-the-job training, so to speak.

(I knew something was coming! Remember my post with the video? Well, God got His message through to me!)

While it has been a difficult realization for me, I cannot begin to tell you the peace I have just knowing where to begin, understanding why I feel like it is the end of the world when conflict comes to visit.

I always wonder what I will learn in tough times. How will I change from this experience? What am I going to learn?

While I am still in the beginning stages of this process, I am looking forward to the person I will be when God gets done with this lesson. I have never been disappointed and have always liked who I am as a person better after He has done a hard work in me, even though the "getting there" is SO tough.

Lord, You are the potter, I am the clay. Help me to be teachable, humble on this journey with you. Help me to embrace truth and be aware of lies planted long ago. Thank you for being faithful to me. Wrap us in your love and protect us as we move forward, into the life you have waiting on the other side of this.

And we WILL get to the other side of this. Our pastor quoted Winston Churchill last Sunday, and God spoke it straight to me.

"If you are going through hell, keep going."

That made SO MUCH SENSE to me, I cannot even tell you. Everyone I have had to watch, to give me an example to follow, has stopped and taken up residence in their hell instead of moving forward. Maybe they did not realize at the time that is what they were choosing, but in time, their ungodly choices have proven disastrous.

Why would I do that? Who would quit right in the middle of the fire? If I was burning, I would not stop until the fire was quenched or I was dead. And now I have to apply that principle to my relationships.

I am thankful the Lord is for us, fights on our behalf, and gives us strength, insight and wisdom in tough times.