Lessons

I am so thankful D is home.

I have seen over the last 11 years why God put two people together to raise a family. As independent and self-suffucient as I can be, it is definitely not desirable. I need him, and he needs me. I like that.

I have read posts today of people hurting. Women, in particular, hurting. Their pain is tangible. And it breaks my heart.

For whatever reason, since having my kids and especially since D went to war for over 2 years, when others are in pain, REAL pain, not the whiny stuff (like my last post!), I hurt for them and just want their life to be better.

We were at a Weekend to Remember conference in February and the speaker told a story of a couple who lost 2 children in an accident. I cried so much another couple sitting by us thought we must have had some similar situation. Thankfully we have not. I just cannot imagine their pain.

So as I was reading these blogs, I cried so much D stopped and asked if I was ok. Note: I am hormonal, and I DO cry at the drop of a hat during PMS. But the tears would have come regardless.

I am trying to figure out what God wants me to do with this tenderness I have for other people's pain, their struggles. In my new job, there is not a lot of room and/or tolerance from my co-workers for having concern for other people. It is a fine line, I agree, that many people just want your pity. And I am pretty discerning when it comes to that.

But there are other people who truly have a difficult life. That's just the way it is. Should I go out of my way to help them? I feel a pull to do just that. But how will my co-workers view me? We are a tight office, and I am the newby. How do I give in to God and maintain close relationships with those around me? I will have to trust God to maintain those relationships as I am faithful to Him.

For the past 12 years, I have been able to choose who I spend time with. And now, I am forced into relationships that are uncomfortable. Some people bring out the worst in me. Others encourage me. But overall, I feel like I am just in "learning" mode. Learning how to deal with people I would probably never have chosen in the past to spend time with.

Satan spends a great deal of time telling me how pathetic I am at this. I am a type A, perfectionist, organized, well-spoken. I do not tend to take on a task unless I know I can complete it well. Just to finish is not enough for me. I have to leave a mark. To be in a new job, with new people, where I feel like I am dropping the ball once a day is daunting to me. I feel like a complete failure and am sure my job is in jeopardy. But when I speak to my office confidant (also a believer, worked in this environment for several years, mature) she assures me that it is just the enemy and everyone drops the ball sometimes. At one point or another, everyone feels like they are just blowing it with those around them.

I know if I let Him, God will teach me. Sometimes I feel like I have so much going on at work, how will I ever be able to listen and learn?

So this is where I am this Sunday afternoon. Just mulling it over.

When It Rains, It Pours...

Bear with me here. Because I am pretty certain sometime last year I promised not to complain anymore.

Apparently I have trouble keeping my promises.

Since lists are easy, I will list my complaints.

1. I have a slight medical issue which requires me to eat certain foods at certain times. This morning I forgot to eat. Which turned out badly, as I started feeling ill at work. On my 2nd week.

2. I cannot stand for people to make a big deal over me. Which is exactly what happened when I did not feel weel. It makes me feel like "baggage" instead of "part of the team." And yes, that's how bad it was. I could not hide the fact that I was not well.

3. I took Ash and Sarah to their first dance class today immediately after work. Where Sarah proceeded to cry for half an hour because "it is my first time and I'm scared". Let me spell that for you, in case you are not aware: F-U-N.

4. After dinner, Mad informed me I should look up at the ceiling. Where there is a HUGE water stain that was not there yesterday. After inspecting the second floor, I am no closer to discovering the origin of said stain.

5. Ginger had no dog food. No choice but to go to store, which adds to my ever so empty day. Just glad I had one more thing to do.

6. Call husband who is out of town on the way to buy dog food. We agree there is a stain on the ceiling and neither of us knows what it is. Then he has to go eat dinner, because who can think on an empty stomach?

7. After returning from store, call home owner warranty people to get someone to look at ceiling and stop whatever is causing it. That was over an hour ago.

8. For the next 3 days, I have 12 hour days. I am COMPLETELY exhausted after 8 hours, so I have no idea how I'm going to get through 12. Not to mention, how I am going to get ceiling/leak repaired when I am not home.

9. I am ready to scream.

10. AAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

Working on Things

It has been a week since my last post, and with good reason. I started work!

I absolutely love my job and the people I get to work with. It is such a nice change of pace to have an outlet besides my blog!

My kids have one more week until school and they simply cannot wait. They are so social, much like me. I think God just makes it where we need other people.

Right now, D is on a business trip, and he will be back next week. We are discussing some generational sins we have been made aware of and ways to break the cycle. We know it is imperitive for the healthy spiritual life of our children, as well as just improving our quality of life in general.

One of my co-workers told me something wonderful she did when her kids were at home (one is in college and the other just graduated). She prayed that God would stop any sins she was commiting against her children from becoming generational sins. I beleive God honors our efforts as parents to bring up our children in the way they should go, and this prayer covers all of the things I don't even realize I am screwing up. I am not trying to minimalize my need to realize what I am doing wrong, I just know myself well enough to know sometimes I miss things that are right in front of my face, for a little while anyway!

I am loving this new season of life, and will be posting less often, I'm certain. But things seem to be coming around to feel like normal. Which is nice.

Hanging Out with Model-T

Yesterday I had a moment of temporary insanity.

I offered my truck-loving husband an opportunity for just the two of us to go look at trucks.

I think "look" means something different to men than to women.

Needless to say he was like a kid in a candy store.

We were doing fine at the dealership until we got too close to the building. There was an area of orange cones separating the customer parking from the vehicles that are for sale. We started out on the opposite end, so we were heading right for the cones. My husband spotted a salesman coming our way and said, "You are getting too close to the cones! They saw us!"

Crap.

Before I knew it, and no matter how hard I tried to ignore him, Carlos was introducing himself. He asked for my name, and I believe my exact words were "We are not buying a truck today. My husband is over there. Go talk to him."

Nothing like being up front about your expectations in your relationships.

My husband actually told Carlos his real name and started talking to him about trucks.

Crap again.

Since I handle most of the haggling in our household ( I believe the other term is called Mother) and am quite comfortable doing so, I usually handle the haggling outside the home as well.

So as Carlos is telling us all the incentives, I keep repeating we are NOT buying a truck until next year.

Let me just mention here that Carlos is seriously the coolest car salesman we have ever met.

Like when I asked him to pay off our credit card debt so we could buy a truck from him now, he was all like, ok. Sure thing. Do you take a check?

Then I asked him what the incentives were next year, knowing full well Ford only updates incentives every month. I was just testing him, see, because he is new. As a matter of fact, he has worked there for only two weeks and sold several F-150s last month.

Impressive.

Carlos answered my question about next year's incentives (after he realized I was on my insanity kick and totally played along) by telling us that next year, Ford is giving away F-150s.

You heard it here first, folks.

And D and I get first pick because Carlos is going to call us right away when this occurs.

So, apparently we were laughing too much and Carlos' boss came over to get us focused.

D and I really dislike focus when it is just the two of us with no kids. We prefer fits of laughter as if you are complete idiots, especially in public places. We don't get to experience that often...um, I mean EVER.

So it is safe to say D and I were elated when Bossman left.

Since we were NOT buying a truck, I felt I should make good use of our time and get to know Carlos.

We agreed to let Carlos take us to another part of the car lot and show us MORE trucks.

On our road trip, we learned he is from a family of 6 also, and has twin sisters. He thought growing up in a big family was cool, but they about drove his mom crazy. He is originally from New York, but likes the south for the cost of living and the weather. Oh, and he used to be in the Army too.

We felt sorry for Carlos having to work for Bossman,and we were afraid he was going to get in trouble if we didn't at least go in and sit down to let him "run some numbers".

Plus, as D said, "These are some great deals."

Did I mention "crap?"

So Carlos ran the numbers. As we were sitting there, a woman came on the intercom and called Chris to the shower.

Say What?

Oh, Chris to the Tower.

Much better.

Once Carlos took "The Numbers" to the Boss, we did not see him again.

For hours.

We were re-directed to Zoe, who has 6 names and it was super cool when she said them in her native Spanish. It was like a constant rolling "rrrrrrrr".

We liked Zoe too. She has 3 houses, a brother-in-law who breaks her tools, and was a carpenter in the Army. I told her all I knew about real estate (which is basically nothing) and told her she should get to know Donald Trump. And Zoe works as a car salesperson because she did not have anything better to do. She was bored.

We later saw Carlos again and told him playfully that we were angry that he ditched us. He told us that he wasn't allowed to talk to us.

WHAT?

It seems that because we were having a good time, and we were being nice to Carlos, his Boss people felt he was not the right salesman for us.

D and I were pretty ticked. Mainly because Carlos was being punished for being The Best Car Salesman Ever.

I mean, we liked Zoe, but we started with Carlos. It just seemed unfair.

But we did tell Carlos that D is running for President of the United States when he retires, and he could be the campaign manager if he wanted to.

I think by then Carlos will be the President of the Ford Motor Company, so he probably won't take us up on it.

As Zoe got the truck cleaned up for us, the one we picked out, drove, haggled and signed for, all I could think was "How did this happen?"

My only explanation is I had a moment of temporary insanity.

Oh, and just as a side note, I made it through 7 hours, two salespeople (Carlos and Zoe), two Bosspeople, and the finance guy without telling anyone my name.

Because I have lofty aspirations like that. It's all about setting goals and meeting them.

The Country Mouse and The City Mouse

When you spend the night with people, you learn alot about them.

We had a friend and her kids over this weekend. She has spent the summer traveling, making the best use of her time as her husband is in Iraq.

Our families hail from the same state.

Her family owned some sort of mansion downtown in the town we live in currently, and apparently owned most of the street lined with mansions.

My family owns some farm land in town where we grew up, and a few have houses as opposed to double-wide trailers.

My friend has a "family name" that she shares with her female ancestors, and has passed it on to her daughter. It is their middle name, and a college in our state was named after this family name when her family founded it.

Our son is named after his grandpa. I was named after an old song by the Allman Brothers' Band. And as far as founding anything, I think maybe my family founded a Lynyrd Skynyrd fan club.

I just found it interesting that our geographical upbringing could be so similar, but our social upbringing was like living on Mars and Venus.

My friend is completely down to earth and real, but she has manners I didn't even know existed.

What is even more interesting to me is how her upbringing has played into her adult life. With her husband's position in the Army, she is in situations where she needs to draw from her meticulous upbringing, and she never misses a beat.

Where I, on the other hand, fumble through and learn as I go, which is pretty much how I do everything in life, and figure it will all turn out okay in the end.

It's funny, I am not in the least jealous of my friend, I am just in awe and amazed at how different our lives are, yet we have enough common ground to be able to be very close.

I learn so much about dealing with people, situations, and life in general from watching her in action. I cannot imagine what the benefits are for her hanging out with the likes of me.

Maybe I can get her some discounted tickets to a Skynyrd concert...

Shhhh!

Yesterday I took the kids shopping for school supplies. I had each child's list in hand, had prepared myself mentally for their excited actions while in the store, and thought I was well prepared.

The kids were unbelievably well behaved. I was thrilled. No one was crying. There was no arguing. They were even quiet because they know how I need quiet to think.

However, no one gave the memo of how I need quiet to think to a family of five that happened to be shopping for school supplies at the exact same time we were.

Nice.

At first, I only spotted Mom and three daughters. She was a novice back-to-school shopper. How could I tell? Mom was as excited as the girls.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm all excited about the kids going back to school, goodness knows. But the actual shopping part? With kids in tow? Not so much.

So, little Patty is running around like a soon-to-be-kindergartener, choosing her own school supplies, weaving in and out of an overly crowded aisle, while Mom just stands at the end, smiling. Yep, she does not have a clue, is what I'm thinking.

Meanwhile, I am pushing my buggy, trying not to run over little Patty who keeps running in front of me as she darts in and out of buggy traffic, AND I'm making sure my kids don't get any wild ideas from sweet little Patty, mainly by giving them the look.

Sarah may be the same age as little Patty, but by golly, she knows the look.

So, as I'm combing over my three lists (Maddie did hers on her own, thank goodness) of school supplies to make sure I am getting everything we need, Dad shows up.

Or should I say, sounds up. Meaning he was LOUD.

He stood at the opposite end of the aisle from Mom and held a conversation that could be heard from the other side of the SuperCenter, I'm certain.

"How much are those crayons? Because these are cheap, and I'm all about the cheap!"

He looks at me, smiling and laughing, as if he is waiting for me to laugh with him.

No such luck today, buddy. I try in vain to ignore him and focus as he continues to hold the aisle long conversation.

Oh, did I mention his wife did not speak back to him? I do not know if she was hoping people did not realize they were together or if she was just ignoring his ignorance. Which is how you stay married to someone like that, in my opinion.

I realize hind sight is 20/20. I should have offered to help this family with their list FOR ONE so I could get on with my list for three.

I told Madison in a hushed tone to hurry up and get what she needed so we could get off of this aisle. We both just started tossing things in that might possibly be on our list, not really caring if they were, and decided to go elsewhere in the store to sort through and make sure we had everything.

Only here's the thing: Little Patty's family ended up where we went FOR QUIET.

I thought I might scream. Perhaps I did. It was such an odd experience I'm not sure I can be held accountable for my actions.

Dad starts complaining about how specific the list is, and why do the ziploc bags have to be ths kind with sliders instead of the ones that are impossible to close, and Mom just stands there in silence focusing on the kids.

I could not take it anymore. If she is not going to put this stupidity to rest and give the rest of us a break, then I will.

So I look directly at him and say, "It makes the teacher's life easier."

To which he had no response.

Finally. Quiet.

Love

Last night, D and I enjoyed our anniversary with a date. We went to a new restaurant (for us) and it was perfection. It has been deemed our new favorite.

D and I had some great, deep conversation going on as we drove to the restaurant. There was a running theme about our thankfulness that God has brought us this far, with far being an all-encompassing term (in love, spiritually, financially, emotionally, etc.).

I was rambling on, and talking about something in the medical world that is new to me, called Asperger's.

We were sitting at a stop light, and D whipped his head around, as in disbelief, and said, "What?!"

"Asperger's. It's a condition..."

Here is where D starts laughing so hard he can hardly drive.

So I say, "What is so funny?"

"Say it again."

"Asperger's."

Oh. Maybe it is my pronunciation of the word, so I try it differently, so maybe it doesn't sound so profane.

The reaction: more roars of laughter.

Then D asks, "Where do you think they got that name?"

So I respond, " It's usually the name of the person who discovered it."

To which D replies, "Wouldn't you have hated to grow up with that name? Hi, I'm Joe Asperger. Or, even better, Sergeant Asperger, reporting for duty. You know the guy could never be a preacher. Reverend Asperger."

So for the entire night, D would look at me over our romantic dinner and ever so often whisper, "Asperger."

Love is patient, love is kind...

Love is making each other laugh.

My Fantasies Exposed

Today D and I celebrate 13 years of marriage!

We are curious by nature, and over the years we have been testing theories about marriage.

You could say we are the Myth Busters: Marriage Edition.

Fact or Myth: Marriage will ultimately fulfill me, making all of my princess dreams of happily ever after come true.

Answer: Myth. We are humans with the built-in ability to disappoint one another on a somewhat regular basis.

Fact or Myth: After a number of happily married years, we have this "marriage stuff" pinned down.

Answer: Myth. We are humans with the built-in ability to disappoint one another on a somewhat regular basis.

Fact or Myth: We are the perfect married couple. No problems, only smiles.

Answer: Duh...should I even write myth? We are humans with the built-in ability...you get the picture.

Fact or Myth: Marriage requires a lot of effort, willingness to change, and even more commitment.

Answer: Fact. Thankfully, God gives our sorry human abilities Super-Human powers (also called the Holy Spirit) and helps us to grow and be able to put forth the needed effort, change and stay firm in our commitment to one another.

Fact or Myth: I feel blessed to be celebrating our 13th anniversary knowing we love one another and are committed to our marriage for the long haul, even when times are tough.

Answer: Fact. We could be a statistic for divorce rates for some Army survey. Or a statistic for people living in loveless marriages. It has not always been easy; in fact, many times it has been extremely challenging, painful, and difficult. But it has been good, and most definitely worth the effort.

While we de-bunked a lot of the preconcieved ideas we had going into marriage, we have gained something priceless:

The Truth.

Marriage is meant to be life-long, and we are to help one another in our struggles along the way. Usually we only hear of divorce, or a couple celebrating 50 years of marriage, or of a couple "having some problems."

No one tells you what the other side of "real marriage" looks like.

Like when you discover something about the other person that you feel like you can't live with, yet here you are, a Believer, knowing God already knew this would happen before you ever got married.

Or when circumstances are so ugly and dark you can't even imagine the light, the good times, coming back again, much less being a part of your daily life.

No one talks about real, personal issues, especially regarding marriage, until AFTER the divorce. But then it's too late.

If more people talked about what is really going on with them, without degrading, dishonoring, and disrespecting their spouse in the process, I honestly believe we would find something interesting:

We are not all that different.

There are different levels of the same issues, but pretty much, they are at the core the same issues.

Why is knowing that helpful?

Because then you know there is not something "wrong" with your marriage. It is normal. And we are all just working through our stuff, trying to come out on the other side with our marriage, with love and respect for one another still in-tact.

So while I may not have the glass slipper approach anymore, I definitely am living proof that happy does exist on the other side of the darkness, that God does restore and bring light and life back.

All He asks of us is to keep going and trust Him with the result.

Musings of a Burned Out Hostess

It is official. I am exhausted.

We have had company or been someone else's company for the last 5 weeks.

I love people. I consider myself a people person.

But as of right now, I am wearing headphones, listening to my itunes, and just trying to entertain myself. I have no one else's interests at heart at this very minute.

I do not care what we eat, what we do, what we look like, or pretty much anything outside of safety issues at this moment.

Quite self-centered. Also, quite necessary.

I have no funny stories. I have no deep thoughts, except for something you might see on Saturday Night Live.

Please tell me you have seen SNL's Deep Thoughts. Seriously people, what is life without Deep Thoughts?

I gotta have more cowbell. From the Church Lady.

I wish it was Saturday.

Maybe I can find some re-runs on TV. Then I would be willing to part with my oh-so-beloved itunes.

For a little while anyway.

Thank you, creator of SNL whose name I cannot recall just now. And also to the comedians who write and star in their skits purely for comedic satisfaction.

I am thankful we share the same warped sense of funny.

Homes and Horses

I am on a roll! Finally, two months after moving in, I am getting a feel for how to get this house to feel like home.

It is amazing how "stuff" stops the creative flow in my brain. Within a single day of realizing and dealing with my issues (last post), I was able to get the dining room completely done (except paint, have not been to the store yet).

My entire family came in one by one throughout the day to let me know how great it looks and feels in there. Like we are home.

Yesterday I was able to get our entry done, and today I have plans for our eat-in-kitchen area. It is such a great feeling to make my family comfortable and my guests feel at home here.

I will post some pics once I get new batteries for the camera.

At least I am hoping that is the problem. Sarah dropped it the other day, said "Oops! Oh, It's ok. It's not broken." Translated that means there were no pieces detached. If only electronics were that simple!

In other news, D has been taking an equestrian course this week for work. He comes home and tells of his adventures every evening, smelling (yum) and looking (yum for real) like a cowboy.

Yesterday we had storms again, torrential downpours. He had to make it from the barn to his vehicle, which according to him was fine, as he was already soaked.

While I was waiting for him to come home, I lit candles and had only accent lights on in the house, because that is what I do on rainy evenings. I am a romantic and I feel like I am living in medieval times when I have lots of candles lit. It makes me feel calm and makes my house feel homey.

Not like like homey-G, like homey comfortable. Not like my crib, but like my castle.

You get the picture. Homey.

So my cowboy man walks through our front door, swaggering like a man who has been riding a horse all day does, soaked to the bone, into our newly cozy, candle-lit home.

It was like something out of a movie.

I would name one, but I do not watch westerns, unless Blazin' Saddles counts, and that just does not evoke the swept-off-my-feet picture I am trying to create.

Sadly, today is his last day of equestrian training.

Our family is going to a dinner this evening with all the cowboys in training and their families to celebrate the end of class.

I wonder if I could convince him to take the class again...