Not Prude, Just Private

Have you ever gone into a store kicking and screaming, because you absolutely did not want to be seen in that store? I mean, what is the off chance you may or may not see someone ~ who you may or may not know ~ and you may or may not ever see that person again, right? Why chance the awkward embarrassment that will inevitably follow when, if you have my luck, you see them there and then again at your child's school program?

I like to remain anonymous. Better to just order stuff online.

Unless you wait until the last minute. Which is exactly what I did.

I pulled into our local "Adult Fun Time" store and parked right in front of the sign that says, "Monitored by Electronic Surveillance 24/7."

So much for remaining anonymous. However, I realize that unless something goes down while I'm there, chances are the tapes will not be reviewed. I take a deep breath, get out of the car and head inside.

I stepped inside and looked around, immediately assessing who is in the store. And by who, I mean I am checking to see how many men are in the store and where they are located. Because shopping for "Adult Fun Time" items without dying from embarrassment requires there be only women around. I would prefer no one, but I can get through it without need of a paper bag for hyperventilation so long as only women are present.

At the cash register is a man and woman, checking out. My first thought is, "Good, at least they will be gone soon, and probably won't even notice I'm here."

Wrong.

Happy Employee #1 spots me and says in her loudest voice, "Hey! Welcome to Adult Fun Time!"

Mortified. Yes, that about sums up my feelings at that moment. I wanted to yell back at her, "This is NOT Moe's! I do NOT need you to greet me from across the store and draw attention to me!" However, I smile politely back and avoid eye contact with anyone.

That lasts about 90 seconds. Then I am approached by Happy Employee #2, who asks me if I need help finding anything. Ha! As if I would ever tell anyone (except for my husband) what I am here for. I use the reliable, super-cool, "No, I'm just looking," line.

I'm sure these Happy Employees must have had a class on how to not laugh at the customer while they are around. Perhaps my picture was on the slideshow during the presentation.

I peruse the aisles, waiting patiently for the man and woman at the cash register to leave, because what if they have the entire store memorized and they know what section I am in?

By this point I feel like I should have worn a sign that says "Super-Prude."

About 5 minutes later, I realize the man and woman still have not left. Seriously, how long does it take to check out? Then I hear the conversation the woman is having with Happy Employee #1.

"Yeah, he doesn't pull out. I haven't seen his sperm in years."

Oh. My. Sweet. God. I want to plug my ears and sing a happy song, but I realize that will make me seem even more "off" than I already seem. I try desperately not to hear any more, but with the woman talking loudly, it is pretty difficult not to hear what she has to say about her husband. To the complete stranger that is the cashier. With her husband standing right there.

I'm pretty sure I was in The Twilight Zone.

And then I wonder, did this cashier know she was also going to be a sex therapist when she signed on to work for Adult Fun Time for minimum wage?

At this point, I have to choose my items and get out of there before I have an anxiety attack. I pick up my purchases and head to the cash register, where the man and woman are still standing. By now, I would pay them to leave.

As I walk up to stand behind them in line, they leave. Finally. Then I realize Happy Employee #1 may ask me personal questions and expect me to talk to her like the previous customers did. Panic!!!

However, she remembers seeing my picture on the slideshow and doesn't press the issue. Whew, crisis averted.

This, my friends, is why I do not shop in certain stores and order online instead. And I will never procrastinate again. At least when it concerns Adult Fun Time.