The past couple of weeks have been really heavy for me.
I have been wrestling with some things that are going on in my life, and have discovered some things rooted deep within that are not necessarily true, and are definitely negative.
I took a personality profile my friend over at GrOwThSpUrTs had linked to her post and God used a specific question on there to get my brain turning.
You think conflict is:
A. Hard for you to deal with
B. A normal part of relationships
My choice was A.
I did not even have to negotiate that one in my brain. So I decided to find out why I feel that way.
Until this week, I would have said it came from being an only child until I was almost 16 years old. I mean, who are you going to fight with if there is no one around?!
But as I explored deeper, I realized conflict is hard for me because I have never seen real conflicts, the ones that really matter, resolved successfully.
When my parents were in conflict, it meant the end of life as I knew it. Divorce was the solution to their problems, and to a large degree, the beginning of mine as it pertains to relationships.
So I thought about my grandparents. I have one set who were completely devoted to one another, and there were serious health issues, and the life they lived together was one taking care of another. To my knowledge, there was not much conflict. ( I am speaking past tense because my precious grandmother went to be with the Lord last May.)
The other set of grandparents cannot stand one another, and people wonder why they are married. Their conflict started when my mother was a little girl, and has raged to this day, resulting in anger, bitterness, resentment, and depression.
I thought about my teenage years. I always wondered why my friendships ended after an argument, or why I could not be friends when a boyfriend and I broke up. Now I realize it was because I assumed it had to be the end. I did not know how to move past it.
Now, in 13 years (August 5!) of marriage, D and I have had some arguments, sure. But overall, they have been few, far between, and pretty insignificant. God made us very compatable. And we are not scrappers by nature, I guess!
But now the time has come, and God has allowed the pressure to be applied, and it must be time for me to learn.
As I thought about the circumstances surrounding me at this point in my life, my marriage, my parenting, I realized how much my view of conflict colors the way I handle situations and bleeds into other areas of my beliefs.
Because I have not seen conflict handled well, I have believed all of my adult life that people cannot, will not, do not really change. Oh sure, maybe for a week or a month. But long lasting change, the kind that is necessary from time to time in our life when we realize our actions are hurting others, ourselves, or our walk with God, deep down I have accepted, believed as truth that people are not capable of doing that.
Only I did not realize I thought that until God showed me where my view of conflict came from. And He has brought all of this to my attention in the last week to ten days, in the midst of some serious, life changing, personal conflicts. Which, of course, is how God works. On-the-job training, so to speak.
(I knew something was coming! Remember my post with the video? Well, God got His message through to me!)
While it has been a difficult realization for me, I cannot begin to tell you the peace I have just knowing where to begin, understanding why I feel like it is the end of the world when conflict comes to visit.
I always wonder what I will learn in tough times. How will I change from this experience? What am I going to learn?
While I am still in the beginning stages of this process, I am looking forward to the person I will be when God gets done with this lesson. I have never been disappointed and have always liked who I am as a person better after He has done a hard work in me, even though the "getting there" is SO tough.
Lord, You are the potter, I am the clay. Help me to be teachable, humble on this journey with you. Help me to embrace truth and be aware of lies planted long ago. Thank you for being faithful to me. Wrap us in your love and protect us as we move forward, into the life you have waiting on the other side of this.
And we WILL get to the other side of this. Our pastor quoted Winston Churchill last Sunday, and God spoke it straight to me.
"If you are going through hell, keep going."
That made SO MUCH SENSE to me, I cannot even tell you. Everyone I have had to watch, to give me an example to follow, has stopped and taken up residence in their hell instead of moving forward. Maybe they did not realize at the time that is what they were choosing, but in time, their ungodly choices have proven disastrous.
Why would I do that? Who would quit right in the middle of the fire? If I was burning, I would not stop until the fire was quenched or I was dead. And now I have to apply that principle to my relationships.
I am thankful the Lord is for us, fights on our behalf, and gives us strength, insight and wisdom in tough times.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
Personality
| You Are An ISFJ |
 You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal. A good listener, you excel at helping others in practical ways. In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music. You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for. In love, you express your emotions through actions. Taking care of someone is how you love them. And you do it well! At work, you do well in a structured environment. You complete tasks well and on time. You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist. How you see yourself: Competent, dependable, and detail oriented When other people don't get you, they see you as: Boring, dominant, and stuck in a rut |
Run, Forest, Run!!
The bank decided to credit our account today, so the $11 famine is officially over...whew!
It became a joke of sorts.
One kid would ask to do something, or buy something, and another kid would say, "WE ONLY HAVE ELEVEN DOLLARS. DUH."
Maybe I should let them keep thinking that and they would stop asking for everything they see on T.V. Hmmm...
Unless it is a pair of running shoes for Daniel.
The boy is a runnin' fool, I tell you.
He got on the treadmill for the FIRST time and jogged 4 miles in an hour.
He has legs that do not touch the floorboard in the car (sitting in a booster, mind you, but STILL!). I tried to equate what that would be comparable to for an adult, but alas, my leg length comparison chart was nowhere to be found.
I imagine it would look something like Fred Flintstone trying to get his car going, though.
Either way, in my non-expert opinion, he is well on his way to marathon status. I am envious and excited all at the same time.
Maybe in 10 years (when he is 18) I will be prepared to run one with him!
I better go get started.
It became a joke of sorts.
One kid would ask to do something, or buy something, and another kid would say, "WE ONLY HAVE ELEVEN DOLLARS. DUH."
Maybe I should let them keep thinking that and they would stop asking for everything they see on T.V. Hmmm...
Unless it is a pair of running shoes for Daniel.
The boy is a runnin' fool, I tell you.
He got on the treadmill for the FIRST time and jogged 4 miles in an hour.
He has legs that do not touch the floorboard in the car (sitting in a booster, mind you, but STILL!). I tried to equate what that would be comparable to for an adult, but alas, my leg length comparison chart was nowhere to be found.
I imagine it would look something like Fred Flintstone trying to get his car going, though.
Either way, in my non-expert opinion, he is well on his way to marathon status. I am envious and excited all at the same time.
Maybe in 10 years (when he is 18) I will be prepared to run one with him!
I better go get started.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Hackers
Yesterday, someone cleaned out our checking account. Oh, they were nice enough to leave $11, because, you know, they were being considerate.
After I called the bank to assure them I did not authorize a triple digit- nearing quadruple digits-transaction to a cell phone company, I was informed it would be 5 to 7 days before the investigation was complete and then we would get our money back.
I was also informed my debit card was inactivated and not to use it until I get a new one. You know, because I could go WILD with the $11 we have left.
Also yesterday, my computer started acting weird. We have this new TERRIBLE phone and internet provider due to moving to the sticks, so at first I thought it was them. But now, I'm fairly certain it's not.
We have all the protection: anti-virus, anti-spyware, firewall. The next step is to enlist a sharp shooter. I mean, seriously, what's a family to do?
So it may be a few days before I post anything, as I'm turning my computer over to someone I trust NOT to steal all our information and find a solution for us.
After I called the bank to assure them I did not authorize a triple digit- nearing quadruple digits-transaction to a cell phone company, I was informed it would be 5 to 7 days before the investigation was complete and then we would get our money back.
I was also informed my debit card was inactivated and not to use it until I get a new one. You know, because I could go WILD with the $11 we have left.
Also yesterday, my computer started acting weird. We have this new TERRIBLE phone and internet provider due to moving to the sticks, so at first I thought it was them. But now, I'm fairly certain it's not.
We have all the protection: anti-virus, anti-spyware, firewall. The next step is to enlist a sharp shooter. I mean, seriously, what's a family to do?
So it may be a few days before I post anything, as I'm turning my computer over to someone I trust NOT to steal all our information and find a solution for us.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Nicknames
It is true what they say, (whoever they are), that each child is unique, even siblings who are born and raised by the same parents.
We have nicknames for each of our children that best describe their traits.
Madison is The Beast. Do not disturb The Beast and all goes well with you. If you have ever had a preteen daughter, you know what I'm talking about. If you have a daughter and she has not reached this age yet, think of the term after she has let anyone who dares come near her have it. By it I mean her opinion forced forward by a surge of hormones, otherwise known as ATTITUDE.
Daniel is The Destroyer. We are certain his main goal in life right now is to destroy anything he comes in contact with. Be it person, place, or thing, he knows no bounds.
Ashlyn is The Informer. If anything is going on anywhere, Ashlyn knows about it, and in about 10 seconds, you are going to know about it too. The main purpose of her informant status is to get others into trouble. Otherwise, she feels she has failed at her mission.
Sarah is Skippy-Long-Stocking. She has started skipping here, there, and everywhere. While she skips, she sings. Her favorite songs are by the Jonas Brothers and today she was singing in the toilet stall in Walmart. Apparently, if you can't see her, you can't hear her.
D is The Enforcer. He brings down Marshall Law when needed, which seems to be quite often around here.
And me, well, D tells me I am The General. I keep everyone and everything going, rain or shine. Maybe we should change my name to The Mailman, or as our kids call him, The Maildude.
Ginger, our Golden Retriever, is The BFD. That is our endearing acronym for Big Fat Dummy. She is 30 pounds overweight and drives us crazy, but we love her.
Max the Cat is The LFD. You guessed it, Little Fat Dummy. Same as Ginger, only in cat form.
So there you have it. Nicknames in a nutshell.
We have nicknames for each of our children that best describe their traits.
Madison is The Beast. Do not disturb The Beast and all goes well with you. If you have ever had a preteen daughter, you know what I'm talking about. If you have a daughter and she has not reached this age yet, think of the term after she has let anyone who dares come near her have it. By it I mean her opinion forced forward by a surge of hormones, otherwise known as ATTITUDE.
Daniel is The Destroyer. We are certain his main goal in life right now is to destroy anything he comes in contact with. Be it person, place, or thing, he knows no bounds.
Ashlyn is The Informer. If anything is going on anywhere, Ashlyn knows about it, and in about 10 seconds, you are going to know about it too. The main purpose of her informant status is to get others into trouble. Otherwise, she feels she has failed at her mission.
Sarah is Skippy-Long-Stocking. She has started skipping here, there, and everywhere. While she skips, she sings. Her favorite songs are by the Jonas Brothers and today she was singing in the toilet stall in Walmart. Apparently, if you can't see her, you can't hear her.
D is The Enforcer. He brings down Marshall Law when needed, which seems to be quite often around here.
And me, well, D tells me I am The General. I keep everyone and everything going, rain or shine. Maybe we should change my name to The Mailman, or as our kids call him, The Maildude.
Ginger, our Golden Retriever, is The BFD. That is our endearing acronym for Big Fat Dummy. She is 30 pounds overweight and drives us crazy, but we love her.
Max the Cat is The LFD. You guessed it, Little Fat Dummy. Same as Ginger, only in cat form.
So there you have it. Nicknames in a nutshell.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Family
This weekend was our annual family reunion. Since we were actually within driving distance, and not to mention this reunion is the one every family would want if they knew about it, we went. For the first time in 8 years. And it was fabulous!
First, let me just say how my heart doth long for the mountains. That's where I grew up, and that's where family is.
Last weekend, we went to the beach, and as much as I love seeing God's power in the waves and the beauty of a sunset there, you can have it.
I'll take majestic mountains with their cool, refreshing air and the always changing landscape any day over sand and surf.
As we got our first glimpse of the backdrop of mountains over our little hometown, my heart actually did a little flip-flop. I felt like a teenager falling in love.
Once at the reunion, which we should really re-name something clever because it simply does NOT fall under the reunion category, we had a blast! Our kids played with cousins until they were red-faced and exhausted. They had water balloon fights, rode golf carts, and laughed like old friends. We had a fireworks finale, and Sarah thought it was just for her, as it was her birthday. Sweet.
I am one of the least sentimental people I know. But this weekend, looking back over the last year, I could not help but cry, and they were tears of joy and thankfulness.
The same weekend last year, we almost lost our Daniel. He had a terrible biking accident, and he and I were flown to Hopkins University where God put His hand on Daniel and saved his life. Once he was able to breathe on his own again and taken off machines, he was released from the hospital 9 hours later, because he was doing so well. Hmmm...wonder how that could have been?!
I am thankful my son drives me crazy daily with his "boy" stuff, and grins when he's mischievous. I melt when I see his little heart worn on his face.
I am thankful my husband has been home for A YEAR AND A HALF STRAIGHT! No field time, deployments, nothing. And we needed it. And God knew it and cares for us.
I am thankful my girls have each other to laugh with and fight with.
I am thankful to be back in my home state. Dorothy said it best: "There's no place like home."
I am thankful to get to stay somewhere instead of moving all the time. To be able to own a home and call it ours, to feel like we can "settle in" for the long haul...Again, much needed, and God provided.
I am thankful for the opportunities God has provided in our jobs. He has led us each step this year, and there is no doubt He has intervened relentlessly on our behalf.
I am thankful I had the opportunity to reconnect with family this weekend. We have spent so many years making friends our family, and they are truly fabulous and I love them dearly. But to be able to spend time who share your name, your childhood memories, your love for the same people, and allow our kids the opportunity to make new memories with people who love you just because you exist, is a whole new level of what it means to "go home" to me.
I noticed so many cousins were missing someone close to them; a father, a mother, a grandmother, a grandfather. My grandmother was one of the ones that passed away just over a year ago. I was caught off guard at how I longed to see her there. We were very close; kindred spirits, really. And I miss her voice, her face. But I am so happy, truly, for her, because she is in heaven, and has no more pain. I suppose being in a setting where I was so used to seeing her triggered a response I had not anticipated.
But on the flip-side of all the loss, and even more so, I noticed ALL THE KIDS!! I know, approximately 1/5 of them were ours, but still! When D and I counted yesterday at home, we came up with 19! It was fantastic! Boys, girls, toddlers, teenagers, and it made everyone's heart smile, of that I am certain.
I feel so loved, and I wish everyone could leave a family reunion feeling as special as my family made us feel.
First, let me just say how my heart doth long for the mountains. That's where I grew up, and that's where family is.
Last weekend, we went to the beach, and as much as I love seeing God's power in the waves and the beauty of a sunset there, you can have it.
I'll take majestic mountains with their cool, refreshing air and the always changing landscape any day over sand and surf.
As we got our first glimpse of the backdrop of mountains over our little hometown, my heart actually did a little flip-flop. I felt like a teenager falling in love.
Once at the reunion, which we should really re-name something clever because it simply does NOT fall under the reunion category, we had a blast! Our kids played with cousins until they were red-faced and exhausted. They had water balloon fights, rode golf carts, and laughed like old friends. We had a fireworks finale, and Sarah thought it was just for her, as it was her birthday. Sweet.
I am one of the least sentimental people I know. But this weekend, looking back over the last year, I could not help but cry, and they were tears of joy and thankfulness.
The same weekend last year, we almost lost our Daniel. He had a terrible biking accident, and he and I were flown to Hopkins University where God put His hand on Daniel and saved his life. Once he was able to breathe on his own again and taken off machines, he was released from the hospital 9 hours later, because he was doing so well. Hmmm...wonder how that could have been?!
I am thankful my son drives me crazy daily with his "boy" stuff, and grins when he's mischievous. I melt when I see his little heart worn on his face.
I am thankful my husband has been home for A YEAR AND A HALF STRAIGHT! No field time, deployments, nothing. And we needed it. And God knew it and cares for us.
I am thankful my girls have each other to laugh with and fight with.
I am thankful to be back in my home state. Dorothy said it best: "There's no place like home."
I am thankful to get to stay somewhere instead of moving all the time. To be able to own a home and call it ours, to feel like we can "settle in" for the long haul...Again, much needed, and God provided.
I am thankful for the opportunities God has provided in our jobs. He has led us each step this year, and there is no doubt He has intervened relentlessly on our behalf.
I am thankful I had the opportunity to reconnect with family this weekend. We have spent so many years making friends our family, and they are truly fabulous and I love them dearly. But to be able to spend time who share your name, your childhood memories, your love for the same people, and allow our kids the opportunity to make new memories with people who love you just because you exist, is a whole new level of what it means to "go home" to me.
I noticed so many cousins were missing someone close to them; a father, a mother, a grandmother, a grandfather. My grandmother was one of the ones that passed away just over a year ago. I was caught off guard at how I longed to see her there. We were very close; kindred spirits, really. And I miss her voice, her face. But I am so happy, truly, for her, because she is in heaven, and has no more pain. I suppose being in a setting where I was so used to seeing her triggered a response I had not anticipated.
But on the flip-side of all the loss, and even more so, I noticed ALL THE KIDS!! I know, approximately 1/5 of them were ours, but still! When D and I counted yesterday at home, we came up with 19! It was fantastic! Boys, girls, toddlers, teenagers, and it made everyone's heart smile, of that I am certain.
I feel so loved, and I wish everyone could leave a family reunion feeling as special as my family made us feel.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Reflection
I know God is driving something home in me.
On Sunday, our Pastor told about Ernest Hemmingway being challenged to write a story using only 6 words. This is what he wrote.
"For sale. Baby shoes. Never used."
We were challenged to think about what 6 words we would use to tell our story.
Then this morning, I found this on one of the blogs I read regularly.
Right now, I am just contemplative as I think about what God is saying to me.
I hope it speaks to you.
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