It's Like Self Torture on a Nightly Basis

It has been over 3 months since my last post, but I finally have time due to a freak snow storm! School (well, work for me!) has been cancelled for two days, as well as the MLK holiday off, end of grading period...It has been great to be home and catch up on things!

So D is on a trip for a few more weeks, and I am watching shows I would otherwise not be watching. This evening I came across women having unassisted births. I knew women do home births with midwives and doulas, but this is with NO assistance from any medical staff.

I am just in shock. I am a worry wart and would give myself a coronary just thinking about all the things that could go wrong. I mean, I almost had one just watching them do it!

Not to mention my pain tolerance is about as low as the economy right now.

I also discovered a show called "Hopkins" on WE TV. The title caught my eye since that is where my Daniel went in the summer of 2007 when he almost died from his bike accident. I am hooked.

Which is weird since...

I hate blood.

I have disdain for hospitals in general (except when they are saving our lives!).

What is my obsession with these shows where women are birthing their babies alone (not the cleanest scenario) and hospitals where people's brains/hearts/lungs are on parade?

Why can't I just watch the HSN or sports like normal people? Or HGTV, like I used to, for crying out loud?

I wish I had a web cam. I would love to see my facial expressions as I am watching...er, grimacing at, these shows I TURNED TO!

Crazy Fall...or is that Crazy FOR Fall?

I cannot believe it has really been two months since I have posted! I am such a slacker when it comes to these things, especially when new adjustments come.

Like working full time.

And becoming a "football mom". To Daniel, of course.

We are home less and less these days, but I know the end, it is a comin'. Daniel's last game is Nov. 1, and I am both excited at the thought of being home those 4 days a week and also saddened by the end of a new era in our lives. Until next fall, anyway.

Work is fine. It keeps me busy, and provides us with extra income, which is always helpful! As far as fulfilling, I would give it a 5 on a 10 scale. Not my ideal, but I know God is using me and my attitude of friendliness as I allow Him to. And I have no idea what would score a 10 on my scale.

We are going to the mountains this weekend. I am SO EXCITED!!! The leaves are in full color, the temps are perfection, and we will see family for a brief time. Heaven. We are taking our kids to a famous mountain and to see some amazing caverns, which they have never seen before and do not even really know what to expect. It is like opening a gift and watching the reaction; priceless.

Maybe I will be able to post before two more months!

Lessons

I am so thankful D is home.

I have seen over the last 11 years why God put two people together to raise a family. As independent and self-suffucient as I can be, it is definitely not desirable. I need him, and he needs me. I like that.

I have read posts today of people hurting. Women, in particular, hurting. Their pain is tangible. And it breaks my heart.

For whatever reason, since having my kids and especially since D went to war for over 2 years, when others are in pain, REAL pain, not the whiny stuff (like my last post!), I hurt for them and just want their life to be better.

We were at a Weekend to Remember conference in February and the speaker told a story of a couple who lost 2 children in an accident. I cried so much another couple sitting by us thought we must have had some similar situation. Thankfully we have not. I just cannot imagine their pain.

So as I was reading these blogs, I cried so much D stopped and asked if I was ok. Note: I am hormonal, and I DO cry at the drop of a hat during PMS. But the tears would have come regardless.

I am trying to figure out what God wants me to do with this tenderness I have for other people's pain, their struggles. In my new job, there is not a lot of room and/or tolerance from my co-workers for having concern for other people. It is a fine line, I agree, that many people just want your pity. And I am pretty discerning when it comes to that.

But there are other people who truly have a difficult life. That's just the way it is. Should I go out of my way to help them? I feel a pull to do just that. But how will my co-workers view me? We are a tight office, and I am the newby. How do I give in to God and maintain close relationships with those around me? I will have to trust God to maintain those relationships as I am faithful to Him.

For the past 12 years, I have been able to choose who I spend time with. And now, I am forced into relationships that are uncomfortable. Some people bring out the worst in me. Others encourage me. But overall, I feel like I am just in "learning" mode. Learning how to deal with people I would probably never have chosen in the past to spend time with.

Satan spends a great deal of time telling me how pathetic I am at this. I am a type A, perfectionist, organized, well-spoken. I do not tend to take on a task unless I know I can complete it well. Just to finish is not enough for me. I have to leave a mark. To be in a new job, with new people, where I feel like I am dropping the ball once a day is daunting to me. I feel like a complete failure and am sure my job is in jeopardy. But when I speak to my office confidant (also a believer, worked in this environment for several years, mature) she assures me that it is just the enemy and everyone drops the ball sometimes. At one point or another, everyone feels like they are just blowing it with those around them.

I know if I let Him, God will teach me. Sometimes I feel like I have so much going on at work, how will I ever be able to listen and learn?

So this is where I am this Sunday afternoon. Just mulling it over.

When It Rains, It Pours...

Bear with me here. Because I am pretty certain sometime last year I promised not to complain anymore.

Apparently I have trouble keeping my promises.

Since lists are easy, I will list my complaints.

1. I have a slight medical issue which requires me to eat certain foods at certain times. This morning I forgot to eat. Which turned out badly, as I started feeling ill at work. On my 2nd week.

2. I cannot stand for people to make a big deal over me. Which is exactly what happened when I did not feel weel. It makes me feel like "baggage" instead of "part of the team." And yes, that's how bad it was. I could not hide the fact that I was not well.

3. I took Ash and Sarah to their first dance class today immediately after work. Where Sarah proceeded to cry for half an hour because "it is my first time and I'm scared". Let me spell that for you, in case you are not aware: F-U-N.

4. After dinner, Mad informed me I should look up at the ceiling. Where there is a HUGE water stain that was not there yesterday. After inspecting the second floor, I am no closer to discovering the origin of said stain.

5. Ginger had no dog food. No choice but to go to store, which adds to my ever so empty day. Just glad I had one more thing to do.

6. Call husband who is out of town on the way to buy dog food. We agree there is a stain on the ceiling and neither of us knows what it is. Then he has to go eat dinner, because who can think on an empty stomach?

7. After returning from store, call home owner warranty people to get someone to look at ceiling and stop whatever is causing it. That was over an hour ago.

8. For the next 3 days, I have 12 hour days. I am COMPLETELY exhausted after 8 hours, so I have no idea how I'm going to get through 12. Not to mention, how I am going to get ceiling/leak repaired when I am not home.

9. I am ready to scream.

10. AAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

Working on Things

It has been a week since my last post, and with good reason. I started work!

I absolutely love my job and the people I get to work with. It is such a nice change of pace to have an outlet besides my blog!

My kids have one more week until school and they simply cannot wait. They are so social, much like me. I think God just makes it where we need other people.

Right now, D is on a business trip, and he will be back next week. We are discussing some generational sins we have been made aware of and ways to break the cycle. We know it is imperitive for the healthy spiritual life of our children, as well as just improving our quality of life in general.

One of my co-workers told me something wonderful she did when her kids were at home (one is in college and the other just graduated). She prayed that God would stop any sins she was commiting against her children from becoming generational sins. I beleive God honors our efforts as parents to bring up our children in the way they should go, and this prayer covers all of the things I don't even realize I am screwing up. I am not trying to minimalize my need to realize what I am doing wrong, I just know myself well enough to know sometimes I miss things that are right in front of my face, for a little while anyway!

I am loving this new season of life, and will be posting less often, I'm certain. But things seem to be coming around to feel like normal. Which is nice.

Hanging Out with Model-T

Yesterday I had a moment of temporary insanity.

I offered my truck-loving husband an opportunity for just the two of us to go look at trucks.

I think "look" means something different to men than to women.

Needless to say he was like a kid in a candy store.

We were doing fine at the dealership until we got too close to the building. There was an area of orange cones separating the customer parking from the vehicles that are for sale. We started out on the opposite end, so we were heading right for the cones. My husband spotted a salesman coming our way and said, "You are getting too close to the cones! They saw us!"

Crap.

Before I knew it, and no matter how hard I tried to ignore him, Carlos was introducing himself. He asked for my name, and I believe my exact words were "We are not buying a truck today. My husband is over there. Go talk to him."

Nothing like being up front about your expectations in your relationships.

My husband actually told Carlos his real name and started talking to him about trucks.

Crap again.

Since I handle most of the haggling in our household ( I believe the other term is called Mother) and am quite comfortable doing so, I usually handle the haggling outside the home as well.

So as Carlos is telling us all the incentives, I keep repeating we are NOT buying a truck until next year.

Let me just mention here that Carlos is seriously the coolest car salesman we have ever met.

Like when I asked him to pay off our credit card debt so we could buy a truck from him now, he was all like, ok. Sure thing. Do you take a check?

Then I asked him what the incentives were next year, knowing full well Ford only updates incentives every month. I was just testing him, see, because he is new. As a matter of fact, he has worked there for only two weeks and sold several F-150s last month.

Impressive.

Carlos answered my question about next year's incentives (after he realized I was on my insanity kick and totally played along) by telling us that next year, Ford is giving away F-150s.

You heard it here first, folks.

And D and I get first pick because Carlos is going to call us right away when this occurs.

So, apparently we were laughing too much and Carlos' boss came over to get us focused.

D and I really dislike focus when it is just the two of us with no kids. We prefer fits of laughter as if you are complete idiots, especially in public places. We don't get to experience that often...um, I mean EVER.

So it is safe to say D and I were elated when Bossman left.

Since we were NOT buying a truck, I felt I should make good use of our time and get to know Carlos.

We agreed to let Carlos take us to another part of the car lot and show us MORE trucks.

On our road trip, we learned he is from a family of 6 also, and has twin sisters. He thought growing up in a big family was cool, but they about drove his mom crazy. He is originally from New York, but likes the south for the cost of living and the weather. Oh, and he used to be in the Army too.

We felt sorry for Carlos having to work for Bossman,and we were afraid he was going to get in trouble if we didn't at least go in and sit down to let him "run some numbers".

Plus, as D said, "These are some great deals."

Did I mention "crap?"

So Carlos ran the numbers. As we were sitting there, a woman came on the intercom and called Chris to the shower.

Say What?

Oh, Chris to the Tower.

Much better.

Once Carlos took "The Numbers" to the Boss, we did not see him again.

For hours.

We were re-directed to Zoe, who has 6 names and it was super cool when she said them in her native Spanish. It was like a constant rolling "rrrrrrrr".

We liked Zoe too. She has 3 houses, a brother-in-law who breaks her tools, and was a carpenter in the Army. I told her all I knew about real estate (which is basically nothing) and told her she should get to know Donald Trump. And Zoe works as a car salesperson because she did not have anything better to do. She was bored.

We later saw Carlos again and told him playfully that we were angry that he ditched us. He told us that he wasn't allowed to talk to us.

WHAT?

It seems that because we were having a good time, and we were being nice to Carlos, his Boss people felt he was not the right salesman for us.

D and I were pretty ticked. Mainly because Carlos was being punished for being The Best Car Salesman Ever.

I mean, we liked Zoe, but we started with Carlos. It just seemed unfair.

But we did tell Carlos that D is running for President of the United States when he retires, and he could be the campaign manager if he wanted to.

I think by then Carlos will be the President of the Ford Motor Company, so he probably won't take us up on it.

As Zoe got the truck cleaned up for us, the one we picked out, drove, haggled and signed for, all I could think was "How did this happen?"

My only explanation is I had a moment of temporary insanity.

Oh, and just as a side note, I made it through 7 hours, two salespeople (Carlos and Zoe), two Bosspeople, and the finance guy without telling anyone my name.

Because I have lofty aspirations like that. It's all about setting goals and meeting them.